Have you had your trust taken advantage of and wondered if you are too trusting, and should you ever trust again?

Maybe you’ve been lied to again and again, and betrayed in your most treasured relationship.

Trust is a tricky thing.  

You can’t demand it, and you can’t simply expect it

You build it, and once lost it is very hard to find again.

Trust is that confident feeling that what someone says they will do, they will do,  You feel safe around them.

You have confidence in something or someone.

You don’t need to question.

But when it starts to slide you begin to question everything.

I grew up trusting … I think most of us did.  

But honestly, my safety growing up left me with a lack of awareness, and discernment.

I married even though I had questions.  I trusted even though I knew something wasn’t right.

And I learned I was right all along.  Something wasn’t right.

18 years into my marriage I discovered a 10 year affair and a deep addiction that emptied our family’s finances.  A whole different life had been going on right under my nose and I hadn’t seen it.

What did that say about me?

My confidence in trusting myself was now gone.  How can I trust myself to know if anything was true or not when I didn’t see it?  I’ve since realized I knew more than I thought I did, I just wanted to keep the lid on things.  You see, when you can’t prove something you either chose to trust or you throw out accusations with no proof … which goes no where.

So I trusted.  I kept the the lid on. I kept the peace.

You may have gone through something where you now wonder, “how can I trust again?”  How will you know when something is true or not after being deceived?

Maybe you have been betrayed, or someone took advantage of you and harmed you.

Can you ever trust again?

I am 15 years out and have learned a few things.  Let  me say, very sincerely, that you can trust again.

You can get to the point where you are willing to risk because you have enough confidence to move forward.

Here are some things I learned and I would love to share with you:

Don’t try to do it alone.  Find someone you trust.  This changed it all for me.  It helped me have the confidence to draw healthy boundaries and it helped me know when anything in a new relationship was “normal” and could be worked on, or was a red flag asking me to pause.  I had one person that knew the whole story, and the new story, that could guide me and confirm my concerns, or encourage me to just work something out and communicate my fears and questions.

Give anything new time.  Trust is not immediate.  If it is, or it’s demanded, that’s a red flag in itself.  Most of the time trust is built when things that are said are acted upon and you begin to see consistency.  Give it time to have others confirm your desire for trust.  Too many times I have heard friends that met someone online tell me all about them and how wonderful they are when they haven’t met any of their friends or family yet.  They have no reference to know if what that person they have just met is telling the truth, or telling stories.  Asking questions and meeting others who can confirm stories can help you get to know whether stories build trust, or bring more questions.

Let the character show.  I truly believe that what builds trust is the character of the person.  I remember asking a good friend of my Mom’s how she could trust again after betrayal and she said, “because of the willingness of him to walk the journey of building trust with me.”  When people are trustworthy they are willing to do what is necessary to build the trust.  I was able to share my fears and ask as many questions as I wanted, even when the questions were a lot.  I met the friends and family that told the same stories I had heard.  I heard about the same qualities and weaknesses I saw.  I was allowed the time to watch and see.  Don’t rush observing and watching … and enjoy getting to know them.

Know your non-negotiables.  What are the boundaries you need, or the things that are not something to discuss?  The things that you say, “this is something I need” to build up trust again.  What are your boundaries that will protect your heart enough until you know the risk is safe?  When I remarried I knew my new husband was not perfect.  I knew his faults and I knew I was willing to risk it without changing him.  I didn’t think, “I”ll marry him but I want this and this to change.”  I didn’t have the knowledge that there was no risk and everything would be fine.  I had already learned you will  never have that.  But, I knew him well enough, and had developed enough trust that I was willing to trust.  I know it doesn’t always happen this way, but my new love had far exceeded any expectation or hope I had the day I walked down the aisle again.  And believe me, the fact that I walked down the aisle again and opened a joint bank account again, was a miracle in itself.  It speaks into who I married. 

Know your boundaries, stick to them, express them clearly, and given time and walking the road with a trusted friend or family member, trust again.  

Give trust the time and watching it deserves.

I think another key is that once you begin to trust again, you still have every right to ask questions kindly and clearly.  It’s when you get the defensive and avoidance of an answer that the red flags come up.  

You can trust again.

You can feel the confidence with someone again.

You get to choose trust again.  Nothing is guaranteed but you can know enough to choose the risk.

You’ve got this.  

If you are walking a road of leaving betrayal and have those questions swirling around, let’s chat.