Do you show up in your life as kind, or nice?

Funny question I know, but oh so important.  

Believe it or not, those two words are two completely different ways of thinking and showing up.  

Let’s break it down.

To be nice is to be pleasant, agreeable, fine, or subtle.  Sounds “nice” for sure.

But

To be kind is to have a helpful and considerate nature.  To be good and gracious.  

Kindness has conviction and courage.

It is based on thoughts and values that are deeper than just wanting to get along.

Hear the difference?

Which one do you resonate with the most?  

I grew up thinking I wanted to be nice, in fact I thought that should be my end game … then I tried to be “nice enough” for many years, Funny, it never worked.  I never became nice enough.

I actually ended up having to work hard at holding on to the good part of nice and letting go of the pressure of expectations and feeling not good enough to be who I thought I wanted to be.  

Would you be surprised to hear that my nickname is “spitfire”.  Doesn’t sound “nice”, does it?

Now as a woman in her fifties and an empty nester I find that as I work through some mindset shifts and transform my thinking patterns, I have discovered that it is actually kind that I really want to be.

I have learned that spitfire is a good thing. 

Remember the difference of acting, and not acting.  Spitfire and subtle are two different responses!

Identifying the difference of how I wanted to show up and the language I used with myself had me digging into what different words meant and how that changed my actions day to day.

These two words really transformed who I wanted to be, and was different from what I was previously believing.

One of those words is passive, and one is active.

One is about what you do, and one is about what you don’t do.

One is all about giving and one usually is about getting.

One is avoiding, and one is acting upon.

I began to choose which word framed how I wanted to respond.

But what does this difference actually look like?

Trying to be nice is trying to be ok with things and pleasant.  It often involves avoiding conflict, not speaking directly, but rather being in agreement.

I have watched people go from one conversation to another, in agreement with whichever conversation they were in.  One extreme is being agreeable about everything and anything, and one extreme would be people pleasing. 

The thing about people pleasing is that we usually don’t even realize we are doing it, but it is never authentic.

Niceness is behaving or talking in ways designed to make us compatible with people and situations. (NICE by Sharon Hodde Miller, pg 43)

Kindness on the other hand is having a helpful and considerate nature.  It speaks into thinking of others and serving.  

But what it doesn’t speak into is doing something to avoid an outcome.  It’s very definition speaks into being “willing to do a service of kindness”. 

When we act in kindness we are looking out for others.  This week I spent some time with my Dad in his Alzheimer’s wing of a long term care home.  As we walked toward the dining room he saw a lady in her wheelchair.  She is unable to speak or move much but he leaned down and gently kissed her on the cheek, touched her arm and asked her how she was.  I thought to myself, “now, that is what kindness looks like”.

Kindness is taking someone a meal when they aren’t feeling well, or listening to a friend when they need it, but it is inconvenient for you.

Kindness is opening a door for someone, or smiling to someone as you pass on the sidewalk.

It is tenderness and leaning in after 61 years of marriage.

It is not subtle, but rather full of actions that let the other person know you care.

I believe this difference is life changing.  

It changes our thoughts which then determines our choices and behaviours.

I know it was transforming for me.  It moved me from responding and thinking about what others thought of me and trying to fit into that, to responding to people and things around me out of my heart and who I truly wanted to be.

It changed the emotions before the thoughts – it switched them from responding out of fear and insecurity to responding out of authentic values.

How about you?

How do you want to respond?

Scrap the niceness, and bring on some bold kindness!

Our clarity will change our confidence and transform how we show up in our every day.

Nice, or kind?

Which will you be?